My Disengagement and Me, a Love Story

And a bit of a break-up story, hopefully. 

So I’ve been listening to Daring Greatly, a book by Brene Brown. I put a hold on this through the library LAST JUNE, and it just came through. 

Man, this book has really hit home. It’s about vulnerability and how important embracing it is. 

Aaannd how damaging disengagement is. 

If you’re new to the blog, I just got over a really long bout of social anxiety, like probably about a decade. It was a brain chemistry thing that is now resolved, thank God. 

Dealing with social anxiety for so long caused me to develop certain coping mechanisms. One of my favorites was disengagement. 

Someone doesn’t treat me the way I’d like? Disengage. Workplace doesn’t value me or pay me enough? Disengage. Possibility of rejection associated with a certain activity? Disengage. Social situation I don’t feel comfortable in? Disengage. 

I am very good at cutting people and aspects of my life off. Like snipping a cord. Snip! You’re out. I have literally pretended certain people no longer exist.

I thought of it as emotional investment. Is this person/job/activity worth my time, effort, and/or emotional energy? More often than not, the answer in my mind was no.

Anyway, I see now that while disengaging helped me in the short term, it hasn’t helped much of anything in my life. Instead of trying to fix problems, I stuffed them in a box and shoved them into the corner of some mental closet. 

I don’t want to do this anymore. I need to be okay with vulnerability. I need to find a better way to gauge whether something or someone is worth my time and effort. Where is the happy medium? I honestly have no idea. If anyone has suggestions, please feel free to share them. 

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